Dessy’s story
One thing you can bank on with Dessy is that Dessy comes prepared. So, naturally, the first-time mom prepared for pregnancy.
“I read books. I went online. I read articles. I looked at blogs about women’s birthing experiences to see what was going to happen. I understood the medication process. I understood having to pack things, being prepared to have the materials you need, like a blanket and a fan because you’re going to get hot. So, I had all of that set,” she says. Then the 33-year-old gently laughs. “I wasn’t prepared for the psychological experience. That part, I wasn’t prepared for, and I’m laughing at it because it’s like ‘Girl, you can’t be prepared for everything. You just have to ride the boat sometimes.’ So, this is where the Virtual Mommy Meet-up sessions really came in handy for me because, mentally, I was not there.”
When Dessy enrolled in the Mommy&Me study, she was assigned a therapist for one-on-one sessions, and she also was told about the optional, peer-led Virtual Mommy Meet-up support groups held via Zoom. She figured she would have a chance to share reflections weekly with other Black moms over the course of 12 sessions.
“But I was surprised to see that it was a lot more structured, where we had set themes to talk about each session – which was great because then I looked forward to a certain session that we were going to talk about, and I could have my questions ready,” she says.
She became attuned to the flow of the conversations and hearing other moms share their moments of joy as well as strategies to overcome struggles. Some were new mothers like her and others, like Shanae “Gigi” Bond jokes that she’s a “professional” mom with four kids ranging in age from college freshman to preschooler. Gigi co-leads the Virtual Mommy Meet-ups with Mercedes Small-Lewis, a mom of two who came up with the innovative idea. They and other Black women with experience raising babies in Washington, D.C., created the content and assembled resources that accompany each session.
Meanwhile, first-time mom Dessy juggled as best she could in those early days after childbirth, adjusting to a newborn, contending with sleep deprivation and navigating the challenges of managing a house newly full of doting relatives. “I don’t know what I would have done without the program, because mentally, it was so hard for me,” she says.
One simple reassurance from moms almost felt like a cliché: She’s not the only mother to feel anxious, stressed or depressed after giving birth.
"I want to say thank you guys, so much, for everything that you guys do for us. It’s very impactful. It’s going to stay with me forever. I’m going to tell stories to my daughter when she grows up. You guys are doing an amazing job."
“I’m not the only one. I’m not,” she knows. “But to actually hear it from another person helped me to feel a lot better and helped me to really process what was happening to me. Just being able to be in the presence of someone else saying that this was also a traumatic experience for them helped me to realize, ‘You’re not the only one. It’s OK, and I’m going to get through it.’ ”
She also was awe-struck hearing Gigi and Mercedes describe their own ups, downs and self-care tips that help them return to an upswing. Her peer support team navigated six pregnancies, six healthy deliveries and hundreds of diaper changes and breastfeeding sessions between them.
“I looked up to them. When I heard that, I said ‘Whoa, they came out on the other side. Look at them right now, giving advice and sharing their stories. It kind of inspired me,” she says. “They’ve been there. Me, I feel like I can trust them a little bit more. I can open up a little bit more, just based on the fact that they’ve already had kids and all of the similarities that we can connect on.”
One decision Dessy made to connect with other moms was enabling her video so they could see her face during the Zoom sessions. Later, she sent photographs of her daughter, Yolanda, who had been just a few days old and tiny when their conversations began. Now, Yo-yo is a bubbly 1 year old. In one image, she is pretty in pink, precocious and barefoot with pink ribbons to match her pink sweater. In another, the birthday girl floats in chiffon swirls as she’s cradled by mom and dad who wear colors to match her birthday balloon bouquet. Even casually dressed for a spin around a retail store, Yo-yo sports a pink flower and bib that celebrates her first Valentine’s Day.
She shared the photos months after graduating from the Virtual Mommy Meet-ups “because I made such a deep connection with everyone in the program. I wanted you guys to see all of the effort that you guys put into me, I wanted you to reap the fruits of our labor,” she says. “So, I want to say thank you guys so much for everything that you guys do for us. It’s very impactful. It’s going to stay with me forever. I’m going to tell stories to my daughter when she grows up. You guys are doing an amazing job.”
